Never Have I Ever
by Ryeloza
Summary: On a girls’ night in, the women decide to play a little drinking game.


**Disclaimer: **_Desperate Housewives _isn't mine.

**Story Summary: **On a girls' night in, the women decide to play a little drinking game. Takes place pre-series, right around the time Gaby moved in.

**Never Have I Ever**

A story by **Ryeloza**

"Oh! I've got one: weirdest place you've ever had sex."

Bree choked on her wine and promptly raised her napkin to her mouth in an attempt to be polite. "Excuse me?" she said, so obviously horrified that Mary Alice was forced to take a sip of wine just to hide her smile.

"What?" Gabrielle looked around the table and her amusement turned to annoyance. "You don't talk about sex either? What kind of place is this?"

"A treehouse," said Susan suddenly. She smiled nervously at Gaby and then sent an apologetic look Bree's way, playing both sides of the fence as usual. "Uh, it was the summer after graduation. My boyfriend's mother wouldn't let us be alone in his bedroom together so we—" she began to giggle, "—we had to use the treehouse."

"And?" prompted Lynette.

"And what?"

"How was it?"

"Uncomfortable. I got my hair caught in the tree. There was a lot of dirt and twigs and leaves…I came out looking like a bird had nested in my hair."

"And you haven't been able to fix it since."

"Ha ha ha. Very funny."

Lynette chuckled and drew one leg up to her chest, resting her cheek against her knee. "Tom and I did it in a hospital chapel once."

"Lynette!" Bree and Mary Alice gasped as one. Lynette simply shrugged one shoulder.

"Tom got in an argument with his father. He was upset and he needed an outlet. We just happened to be near a confessional."

"What if someone had walked in?" asked Mary Alice.

Bree nodded in agreement. "To _pray_."

"Well that's half the fun," said Gaby. Lynette smiled and each woman took it as agreement or disagreement with what Gaby had said based on her own opinion.

"So you've done it in public too?" asked Susan.

"Tom and I were all alone in that chapel!"

Susan waved her off and Gaby smiled coyly. "Let's just say sex on the beach is more than just a drink."

"I need to sit down," said Bree.

Susan patted her back sympathetically. "You already are, sweetie."

"The strangest place I've ever done it is the car," Mary Alice said, ignoring the betrayed look from Bree. "But everyone's done that, haven't they?"

"Nope. Never have."

"Really?"

Gaby nodded. "I wasn't exactly driving too much in New York. Oh!" Her eyes flashed and she tipped her wine glass toward the other women. "Drinking game! Never have I ever had sex in a car."

The other women exchanged glances and then to everyone's surprise, Bree gave in first, downing the rest of her wine in one gulp and reaching for the bottle. The other three followed her lead and Gaby shook her head. "I guess I'm a little behind."

"You're not missing much," said Lynette, taking the bottle from Bree and refilling her glass too. "Never have I ever joined the mile high club, much to my husband's chagrin."

Susan bit her lip sheepishly and then took a drink. "Really? You?" asked Gaby incredulously. She laughed loudly. "That's hard to believe."

"Karl kind of followed me in there." She looked around the table with huge eyes. "Don't judge! We were on our honeymoon!"

"Never have I ever had a one night stand," offered Bree hesitantly, finally warming a bit to the game. Gaby took a sip, looking not at all ashamed by the fact, and Mary Alice also drank, looking quite the opposite. Before either girl even put her glass down, Bree smiled widely and said, "Oh! Never have I ever had sex outside of marriage!"

"Oh God! Are you kidding me?" Gaby downed the rest of her wine and put her glass down. "Is the sex good? Oh, God, please tell me it's good!"

"It's perfectly lovely, thank you."

"'It's perfectly lovely'? 'Perfectly lovely'? Heaven help you, honey."

"Well excuse me for not wanting to discuss my love life with you."

"We're not talking about love, we're talking about sex."

Bree shook her head and arched an eyebrow smugly. "Well I guess that's the difference between you and me. For me they're one in the same."

"Well look at the Queen of Sheba over here." Gaby glanced around the table, seeking an ally. "Come on, someone back me up here. You all drank. You all did it with someone other than your husband."

"Sex is sex," said Lynette. Gaby grinned triumphantly.

"But it's better when you're in love," said Susan.

Bree nodded in satisfaction. "And best when you're married."

"You wouldn't know," Gaby pointed out. "You don't have a comparison."

"We-ell," said Susan slowly. "I agree with Bree. I mean, come on, Gaby. Are you really saying the best sex of your life wasn't with Carlos?"

"Sure. Carlos is great. A little selfish sometimes, maybe, but still. What guy isn't?"

Lynette snorted and reached for the wine bottle again. "Wait 'til you have kids. You'll be lucky if you remember what foreplay is."

"Ha! Yeah, right. Like I'm going to screw up my life with kids. No thank you." Gaby chuckled and then seemed to realize she was the only childless woman there. "Oh. Right. Not that you all screwed up your lives. Uh…Never have I ever had sex while pregnant?" She smiled hopefully. The other girls rolled their eyes and drank.

"Mary Alice?" Gaby elbowed her and Mary Alice seemed to snap out of whatever daze she'd gone into at Gaby's words.

"Oh, right," she said, and she took a tiny sip of wine.

"You know, you're the one missing out, Gaby," said Lynette. "Pregnant sex can be amazing. Trust me, I know."

"It's true," agreed Susan. "It's like you're hypersensitive to _everything_ that goes on down there."

"Somehow I think I'll survive."

Bree stood and leaned across the table to steal the wine bottle back from Lynette. She frowned when she realized it was empty. "Susan, we need more wine."

Stumbling slightly, Susan got up and dug out another bottle of red, refilling her own glass before handing it over to Bree. "Never have I _ever_ gone skinny dipping."

"Ooh!" groaned the other women, all taking a drink.

"Susan, that's pathetic."

"What? I'm not a strong swimmer."

Lynette clapped her hands and began to laugh before she even said anything. The affliction seemed to be contagious, because Susan joined in, slumping slightly over the table. "Never…" Lynette paused, trying to get control of her giggles. "Never have I ever let a guy lick whipped cream off of me."

"What?" Susan completely lost it, laughing so hard it was silent and tears streamed down her face. The other women, even Bree, couldn't help but start to laugh too, and Gaby stood up, raising one hand as she gulped down the remaining wine in her glass. As Susan slipped off of her chair onto the floor, still laughing, she tipped back her head and also drank.

"Oh! Oh!" said Gaby. She set down her glass and staggered to Susan's refrigerator, opening the door and pulling out a can of whipped cream. She handed it to Lynette, who promptly shook the can, pulled off the cap and then sprayed a copious amount across her clavicle like a necklace. At the sight, Susan lay down on the kitchen floor, laughing anew.

"Where's Tom?" asked Lynette. The other women pointed in the direction of her house and Lynette downed the rest of the wine in her glass. "Okay. I'm going home." She picked up the can of whipped cream. "Can I borrow this?"

Susan giggled.

"Thanks."

Amidst the laughter and catcalls of the other women, Lynette managed to make it out the door. Gaby flopped back into her seat. "Someone's getting lucky tonight."

Susan slapped her hands on the table and slowly pulled herself up. After some struggle, she was seated again. "Is it me?"

"Where is Karl?" asked Bree. "It's after nine."

"The o-o-o-o-ffice. He works late _all the time_ now."

"Never have I ever had sex in an office," said Mary Alice. Susan picked up her wine glass and took a sip even though no liquid remained.

"I want to have sex," said Bree. She planted her elbows on the table and leaned her cheeks against her hands. "Rex always schedules sex now. Who schedules sex?"

"Married people."

"Take Carlos. He wants it all the time."

"So does Karl. He'll start humping the furniture if he goes too long."

"Rex never humps anything."

Gaby snorted, but Bree didn't seem to notice. She picked up the wine and took a long drink directly from the bottle. The other women cheered her on until Bree set the bottle down on the table. "You know," she said seriously, "I should just go over there and order him to do it. Tonight."

"You so should!" Susan looked around the table. "We all should!"

"Paul's not here. He took Zach camping."

"Never have I ever had sex in the forest," said Gaby half-heartedly. No one drank and she frowned. "Really? No one?"

"I bet Lynette has. Where is Lynette?"

"Making herself a whipped cream bra."

"Oh. Right."

Bree stood up and grabbed the wine bottle. "I am going home. I'm going to march right over there and tell Rex we're having sex."

"Do it!"

Bree nodded firmly and half-walked, half-stumbled toward the kitchen door. "Rex!" they heard her yell as the door slammed behind her. "Find the condoms!"

"She is so drunk."

"So am I." Gaby frowned. "Hey! She stole the wine!"

Susan laid her head on the table. "Good. I'm going to be sick if I drink any more."

There was a pause, and then Mary Alice sighed loudly. "I don't want to go home to that big empty house."

"Sleep on the couch," offered Susan. "I'll take the table."

"Okay."

The front door suddenly opened and Susan lifted her head just in time to see Karl enter the house. "Karl!" she said loudly. "You're home!"

Karl came into the room and shook his head at the sight of the three drunken women half-slouched over the kitchen table. "Well this explains why Bree needed help crossing the street."

"She's going to have sex. You wanna have sex?"

"Oh, baby, I'd love too, but you're going to puke your guts out soon."

"Maybe not so much."

"Yeah. A lot."

Susan pouted, but didn't argue any further. Instead she rested her head against the table again and shut her eyes. "Do you two need help getting home?" asked Karl.

Gaby stood up. "I can hold my wine, thank you very much." She tugged on Mary Alice's arm until Mary Alice stood, nearly tipping Gaby over as she did. "Come on. We're going home."

"Okay."

"Susan, thank you for proving this place isn't completely lame." Gaby nodded. "Karl."

"Goodnight, ladies."

Arm-in-arm, Mary Alice and Gaby staggered out the door.


End file.
